Suicide Note

What if things were so bad (or that you think things were so bad) that you feel like there's no way out? Like the only escape route you can see is killing yourself?

Suicide is and always will be a sensitive subject to me. I will not delve further, but let me just say this first. In no way am I condoning suicide. I am not saying that if things go bad, killing yourself is an option. It's just that, I can understand how fragile our state of mind can be, how vulnerable our state of faith can get, that we would consider it. Suicide.

So, what if things were that bad? And you decide to end it all? Please don't think of me as morbid. I am merely thinking about what my last thoughts would be. And inevitably, the writer in me, pondered about what I would write on my suicide note.

Should I be apologetic? Should I justify my actions? Or should I just tell everyone I love them but this is just too big for me to handle?

What would you say?

Is this truly food for thought, or am I being morbid and emotional today?

ps. Iye, aku tahulah murtad seorang muslim yang bunuh diri. Apa yang aku cakapkan ni bukan pasal bunuh diri per se, I am talking about that note. About the thoughts that's running through one's mind when contemplating and even committing the act.

Ombak Rindu vs. Bicara Hati

Ini. Sangat. Tidak. Sihat.

SANGAT. TIDAK. SIHAT.

I am reading, of all things, a Malay romance novel.

No, I am not reading the now overrated Ombak Rindu. I am reading Bicara Hati by a writer called Damia Hana. This novel will soon have its TV adaptation broadcasted over Astro.

If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I don't normally read Malay romance novels. I am not a snob, bukan aku cakap aku tak baca novel-novel Melayu sebab low-class ke ape. I do read Malay novels, just not from the romance variety, sebab aku suka baca novel atau buku yang mana ayat-ayat dalam buku tu, adalah ayat-ayat yang ada kemungkinan keluar dari mulut aku, nak-nak kalau ayat tu dialog dalam watak novel tu. Believable stuff. Bukan benda-benda macam, "Aku dah cuba nak melupakan dia, tapi bayangannya tetap terus menghantuiku."

First of all, kalau ada apa-apa benda yang menghantui aku, in any shape or form, aku takkan habiskan masa berprosa pasal apa benda yang menghantui aku tu. Mungkin by that time aku dah tonggeng-tonggeng nangis depan Harun Din or is it Hasan Din (ustaz, tolonglah saya buang benda niiiiii... uwaaaaaaaaaaa *nanes golek-golek <-- ini hiperbola anak-anak!).

And second of all, I am just not like that yo.

So, kenapa aku baca novel Bicara Hati ni?

Well, actually, it has something to do with Ombak Rindu (and btw, I do think Aaron Aziz is rather dashing, kan? kan? kan? ;)). To be exact, it's actually very much related to the soundtrack of Ombak Rindu. Remember this entry? Well, I mentioned Ajek, who captured the attention the Ombak Rindu production team when he did a cover of the theme song of the movie. So aku pun dengarlah lagu tu. Sappy love songs are also not my usual music staple (Malay love songs? Pfffftttt... Pernah dengar Diana Krall nyanyi Billy Joel's Just The Way You Are? No disrespect an' all that, but Bruno's Just the Way You Are ain't got nothin on Billy Joel's yo'. Dan pada aku, ini baru love song). Okay, that was not the point of this entry kan? So anyways, lagu Ombak Rindu tu, Ajek punya pasal, mak layan aje nox. From the related videos there, link-punya-link-punya-link hopping, I came across this piece of news about a tele-series adapted from a novel called Bicara Hati. The director is Osman Ali, the same guy directing Ombak Rindu, so adalah crossline di situ sikit kot? Entah, aku pun tak pasti link apa yang aku click.

Yang buat aku, "Alamak, menariklah pulak," ialah apabila aku nengok gambar-gambar shoot Bicara Hati tu, ada gambar sorang minah yang muka dia familiar sangat-sangat. I was racking my brain tryinna figure out where I've seen this girl before. Then, tiba-tiba it hit me. This is her:



Source

Minah ini rupanya! Zara iklan raya Diva Universal yang comel nak mampus tu. The Zara character itself is very comel. Redza Minhat pun comel. Iklan tu pun comel. Eh, semua comel lah! SAYA SUKA!

(SIDE NOTE: Her (Zara, Zahlia, Puteri Ape Benda Ntah lam Bicara Hati) name (or at least the name she puts on her Facebook) is Cristina Suzanne Stockstill but apparently she goes with the 'stage' name, Kris Cempaka)

Berikut ialah bukti kecomelan iklan raya tersebut:

So now, because this feel-good, comel advertisement, I am hooked on a Malay romance novel, by the name of Bicara Hati of all things. Let me reiterate. INI. SANGAT. TIDAK. SIHAT. Okaylah, baca novel tu tak semestinya tengok drama tu bila drama bersiri Bicara Hati tersebut ke udara bermula pada Selasa, 9.00 malam, 3 Januari 2012 di Saluran 105, Astro Prima (motip aku tulis cam ni???). TAPI, I also kinda think Sharnaaz Ahmad, who plays the male lead, is very the comel jugak. And this is also TIDAK SIHAT. He is 3 years younger than me. And that makes me kinda feel like a cougar.

HAMAGADDD!!!

-__-"

Do not disturb my Tuesday nights in early 2012, okay?

extra presciption. Sampai la cheq tak pi lagi tengok Ombak Rindu. Tunggu Youtube je laa, bulih ka?

extra, extra prescription. I also don't usually like lelaki-lelaki comel atau jambu, but in Sharnaaz's case, I will make an exception. Redza Minhat comel, tapi dia tak jambu, so clause aku-tak-suka-lelaki-comel-dan-jambu dengan sendirinya terbatal di situ. Eh, berapa umur Redza Minhat wei? Adakah, aku akan jadi cougar lagi! HAMAGAD!!!.

extra, extra, extra prescription. Am I going to hell for this, God?

Ignoramus

An ignoramus is an ignorant person. If there's more than one, it probably should be ignorami. But since I am typing this on a notepad, offline and don't have a spellchecker, Imma let it be the singular form.

Ya see, I am supposed to participate in a focus group discussion. I've been to a few of these and here I am again because 1) I actually believe 'they' really2 consider what the participants say; 2) I am an attention-whore who loves the undivided attention of the discussion moderator; and 3) Once you go to a few of these babies, you'll get hooked somehow and you JUST have to go again and again.

Okay, I lied, the 'token' is RM150. And I get to escape the kids for a few hours (pinch of salt, people, pinch of salt).

Okay, so what's so ignorant about that? Well, for one thing, despite passing by the building for a gajillion time, I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to get from my office. I literally broke out in a cold sweat, printing oodles of Google map for direction to the damned place. Yes, I don't have a GPS, because I like to rough it up (yeah right).

Another instance of my ignorance is, despite depleting 1/725th of the tropical rainforest in the form of my printed Google map, I still missed the turn that I was supposed to take, the one I have taken a thousand times before, the turn that takes me straight to Mak Ngah's place. If I were made fun of this fact in the future, I shall blame a big-ass bus that seemed stationery right in front of the UN Building, that made me missed the friggin turn (actually, the bus is trying to make the turn I was supposed to make but the road was so congested, making the bus non-moving for a bit).

So I had to make a U-turn, big deal. A huge-ass U-turn, but at least by then I knew for sure which turn I was supposed to go into.

Anyways, long story short, I made it to the focus group discussion venue in one piece. Upon entering the international ad agency that organized the whole she-bang, I was told dinner is served and was taken to the agency's pantry where three lovely ladies (first impression) were sitting. There were O'Brien's Sandwiches which I never had and wasn't all that impressed with anyways; and some coffee or tea.

Okay, so the three lovely ladies, they were birds of a feather (fill in the blanks yourself). I don't mind this, I could easily be in the same situation if it was reversed (as in, me in the a group of three lovely lady birds of the same feather... umm, yeah... and there's another lady bird who's not of the same feather -- what is it with this post and all the sayings!). But thing is, if it was reversed, AT LEAST, the one left out can understand the conversation...

Thing is, the three ladies were speaking in their mother tongue. Me, most of the time, I speak in OUR mother tongue, the MALAYSIAN mother tongue. Bahasa Melayu or the Malay language (and yes, I write in English, this blog is, after all, a release). The three ladies, were carrying on and on and on in their mother tongue. There were only four of us there. I was like *crickets*. What the hell am I supposed to do here? What am I supposed to say?

On and on and on they conversed, with the minimal English words peppered here and there (I think I caught 'epidural' at one point, so maybe they were talking about childbirth), so naturally, seeing that the focus group discussion was for mothers, I can totally relate, if I knew the language, that is. So I sat there, kinda dumbly, not knowing what to do...

You see, an ignoramus is someone who is perhaps oblivious to the bloody obvious.

These three ladies? You be the judge.

extra prescription. the whole focus group discussion merits another entry on itself, by virtue of being one of the most ridiculous one I've been to... btw, I have quite a high tolerance of ridiculous, so that's saying a lot...

The Promise

I made a promise with myself. When I started this blog.

I made myself promise, that if I find this blog to be too much work, I'd just stop it.

This is supposed to be some sort of sanctuary for me. A literary catharsis of sort.

I write daily for my work. I do freelance writing as well. And if I must write for my release, then it shouldn't be forced, now should it?

I miss writing here. I miss reorganizing my memories of my two kids, the shenanigans they're up to now and then.

Maybe I shouldn't be too averse to work then?

Glowing Personality

I am almost thirty, yes, almost, as of 2011, I only have one more year to go before I enter the 3-series threshold, ooh joy.

I have two kids. One is an almost primary-schooling girl. One is a precocious almost three-year-old boy.

You'd think my hormones have figured themselves out by now, right? EKKK. Think again.

I have acne on a daily basis. One dies, another one comes up. And sometimes, my acne decides to go all Italian mob on me. Whenever I poke or squeeze one of them, a whole bunch of pimples of the Italian mob kind assaults my face. I think they're all there for cousin Acne Carmine funeral or something.

I have tried a lot of different facial wash, moisturizers, acne ointments, to no avail. I have tried the top of line stuff, for eg. Biotherm, then I tried stuff somewhere in the middle, like Body Shop and even cheapo ones like Everclear and Safi. Some of them work, for a few days or weeks at best. Most of them don't.

Now, I am trying a birth control pill that can supposedly help with acne. Apparently it also helps for women with chest hair (what in the world...). Apparently one of the side effects is having murderous mood swing.

Yes people, I will easily bite your head off if you piss me off because I am on this crazy-ass birth control pill meant to help me with acne.

Or maybe that's just my glowing and warm personality.

Wanna test your luck?

She Did it Again...

Halu pipol. I'm back. Did you miss me? Did ja, did ja, did ja?

Anyways, I re-did the layout, which, by the way, was the numero uno reason I abandoned this blog before (liar, liar, pants on fire -_-). Now my layout, although not exactly what I totally want, is okay-ish. At least, okay enough for me to want to blog again, so that's good news, right?

What's up in my life? Nothing much, maybe that's why this is a good idea. Cos things are so boring right now, I think this blog can serve as a distraction of sorts.

What do you think?

Back In Business...

After a bit of a hiatus -- I needed time off to cool off the mistakes I did when I fisched up my old blog template, I decided, I will, as a matter of fact, come back to this blog. I did set up a few other test, dummy blogs in my soul search, but I thought, what the hey, I don't want the old, 700 prior-to-this blogs ritual I used to have, I'mma gonna stick with this one. So this is it then.

I've searched high and low for a template I would like. The current one I'm using, I quite like, but I'm still on the lookout. The feel would probably be the same as this one, though, traditional at heart, I'd prefer to have a template that has the sidebars on the left side of the page. Three columns is finally winning over two-columns design in my books, so that's another pre-requisite. I like natural, earthy and pastel colour combo. And I like scrapbook feel to my blog. *sigh*. Wish I could work on something, my own blog template on my very own. Hmmmm... maybe I will someday, who knows?

In the meantime, wish me luck with that people. And wish me luck and strength for the mountain of work I have for my Masters class.

Again, I Contradict Myself

Okay, so I'm not the most strong-willed person. I get weak in the knees at the mere sight of chocolate. I feel this unnaturally strong magnetic pull towards Starbucks for a Caramel Macchiato (mind you, I've managed to resist that urge so far, okay? No Starbucks for about 2 months now [boo-hoo, big deal], but before that I went without Starbucks for a few years, until I worked at a new place where the office was right in front of a Starbucks outlet, DAMMIT!!!).

I boycott most fast food outlet. Okay, so Malaysians are the ones supplying the chicken etc to these outlets, and mostly Malay Malaysians are working behind the counter, but really, the suppliers, Muslims ke? I don't think so. Yes, very racist of me, I know. Very un-Malaysian. But I have to be cruel to make that kind decision. The kind decision that will, insyaAllah make a difference for my brothers and sisters in Palestine. And as for the minimum-wage workforce within McDonalds or KFC, come on lah, itu kerjaya ke? Seriously, you consider that your career? Do you need us, the majority of the Malaysian population, to keep you afloat? Bro, kalau lu bleh carik keje kat McDonald, wa sure lu bleh gak carik keje kat tempat lain. Mydin ke, Kamdar ke.

But it comes to entertainment, gawd-damn, I'm damned. Of course, even the so-called Zion Protocol enlists the use of entertainment as a mean to control the world. True enough, the entertainment being served right into our homes day in and day out, are mostly from them. Unsurprisingly, some of the major players in Hollywood are voicing their support for this perverted cause. Major players which include Keanu Reeves, one of the fler in my list of 5. *sigh*

Dammit! Now I have to bump him off!!!

List of Five

Here are the rules.

Five celebrities. Anybody goes. If you wanna add the ones that have passed away, go ahead, you sick necrophiliac weirdo!!! (Okay, actually, my original list got the late Heath Ledger in it, but since he's passed, well, I decided to just let the poor guy rest).

Anyways, the idea is to have five celebrities you'd have sex with if ever you get the chance.

You cannot change the list in instances like, you have Brendan Fraser on your list (number 5 or something), and then somehow, you happened to pick up Nick Carter hitchhiking. You cannot, just bump off Brendan off your list just to add Nick, okay? Other instances of bumping off names will be decided upon case by case basis.

Also, you cannot leave one spot empty to fill up "when the time comes"! All names must be filled. Must.

My list?

Huhu. Here we go!

1. Johnny Depp

2. Keanu Reeves

3. Patrick Dempsey

4. Simon Baker

5. Wentworth Miller

Honourable mentions - Jensen Ackels, Hugh Jackman, Orlando Bloom (not the blonde haired one, the dark haired Bloom!) and Sirius Black (yes, from Harry Potter, not Gary Oldman, I'd do Sirius, cos he's dark and brooding!).

All the guys I like are more or less dark haired, for the exception of Simon Baker, 'cos curly blonde hair is too blardy cute! And all the guys I like are mostly dark and brooding -- too serious and intense. Ooooh. Heheh.

Indulge me once in a while, okay?

Antara Dua Darjat

Look at my blogroll. The one on your left that says "The Readings...", you dope. Okay, now in that blogroll, I've included a few blogs that I have followed quite regularly. Blogs that I like. Blogs that makes me laugh. One is a blog of a mommy goddess on prescribed drugs at times. One is a girl who's kickass funny and has a sunny attitude. Three are socio-political blogger who are actually too much of de riguer of late that I'm even considering to remove them from the blogroll, but I love them too blardy much lah. One is another funny fler, and I like him and what he's saying.

The remaining two... Now, they are the fun ones. One of my friend hopped on this blog yesterday and shared with me his thoughts (actually, it was more like his surprise). It went something like this...

HIM : Babe, I know you, so I get the Mamat Khalid link. But Yasmin?
ME : What the hell you talking about?
HIM : What's with Yasmin on your blogroll?
ME : I like her, what?
HIM : HAH! Yeah right.
ME : I do! I like Mukhsin.
HIM : Babe, you love Nina Simone. By virtue, you like Mukhsin lah. Mana pernah filem Malaysia guna Nina Simone as soundtrack.
ME : Not true! Not true! I suka keroncong what???
HIM : Oh, fug off! That doesn't mean you like her, right?
ME : Fug you! I do like Yasmin.
HIM : And besides, Mamat and Yasmin is like... antara dua darjat.
ME : Apekah?

So apparently, my blogroll is now a standing testament that I am indecisive. That I can't decide if I want to be the cool, cultured, artsy fartsy courtesan (chewah, chewah, courtesan siot... tergugat laki aku). Or if I want to be the sarcastic, funny, smart-ass, ghetto kid who gets it all.

I dunno. Which one do you think I am?

Oh, Nina, Nina, Nina... look what you've gotten myself into???

	Nina Simone - I Put a Spell on You
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Been Busy #001

I'm now in the midst of doing my Masters. I am still a bit unsure about it all, and I question my decision on a daily basis, but I dunno. Maybe because it's free??? (Yes, I am currently being sponsored by my employer). Or maybe it's because it's not something I am totally, 100% in to?

You see, I'm very sure I'd do my Masters. Preferrably doing something along the lines of communication -- the very school I graduated from in UiTM. I love the media world, mass communication, even with all its sham and drudgery. I do, I really do, no matter how I bitch about how the broadcasting world is full of fakes who puts sooooo much blardy emphasis on beauty (but not so much on brains!). Although about 95% of the newsreader, newscaster, broadcast journalist in Malaysia can barely speak in English. Although those who can are mostly being sidelined. Although... Well, you get my drift. Despite all these shortcomings and flaws, I love the world of mass communication still.

But now, I'm offered to do my Masters in Instructional Design and Technology -- what the heck??? Well, google the term and read up, that's what I had to do anyways. I actually love the subject, but as always, I'm the kind of person who loves the smooth, shiny, sometimes embossed cover of a book, not so much the content. That's why my books sometimes sit some place unread for years on end. Yes, most of the time, when it comes to books, I am the world's most impulsive shopper. I buy on a whim. And then I don't bother to read. Cos the cover has done it for me.

Now here I am, a few weeks into the programme and seriously doubting my starting in the first place. God, what have I gotten myself into? Can I really cope with all this? Can I really do this? These people -- my coursemates -- have YEARS, AGES of experience in teaching and learning, in instructional design, in education, in training. Me? I have my degree and diploma in mass blardy communication! Do I really belong here? What the hell am I doing here???

I do understand, for the most part, the discussion that's going on, but somehow, I just refuse to speak and sound foolish, I'd much prefer sitting aside silently and appear foolish. I just keep on reading these discussion and going, "what the hell? does it really matter if it's theory or concept or principles being used? why are we arguing about semantics???" whatttttttttt have I gotten myself into???

I have now officially worked myself into a headache. God, please help me.

Please.

About Me #001

I fancy myself as a writer. I used to be paid working as one. Then I got sick of writing so I quit that job. I looked for another job, found one, loving it, and don’t have to write much – bliss. But something in me just ain’t right, just ain’t clickin’, I ain’t got me some soul food. I need to write. And believe me, I’m the type of writer who writes cos I want to write. I’ll never write cos I have to write.

Don’t let the very minimal archive fool you. Or the low traffic. Rest assured that I am not new to blogging. Or monetizing my blog. As evident by a few of my posts, I have about 700 blogs before this, all abandoned out of guilt, for not updating them, for not wanting to update the blogs cos I have to. I am one of those people who believe that blog entries should only consists of stuff that counts. Sometimes, I run out of stuff that counts, and I hate making up stuff that counts just so that my blog is kept alive.

I write my entries in drafts. Then I edit them. And I re-edit. That, my friend, is the mark of a true writer. A writer never publishes something as is. It goes to different stages of heartbreaking editing, even by your own self and I am my own worst critic. That being said, since I am a borderline narcissist, that’s not such a huge punishment to me, I guess. But I do think long and hard about my entries, my choice of topic, word, etc. It’s a long and laborious process, and so I truly appreciate considerate and mindful responses (if any). Actually, I prefer not having any comments/responses at all.

Why no responses? Aren't responses a good way to know if your entry has reached your audience? Yes and No. Not many people share my sense of humour. Not many people share my point of view. Not many people get what I'm saying. Maybe I'm not from this solar system. And I hate explaining myself over and over again, but I get annoyed when people don't get me, or misunderstand me. So very the drama in my head. So I prefer if people just let me be.

But then, if I'm so against comments/responses, why don't I just disable the comments feature in your blog? Ah, I thought you'd never ask. That's for just in case. Just in case, someone from my planet reads my entries and decides to say hi.

You never know, my brother, you never know.

Kesian Blog Engkau...

(Translation : Pity your blog...)

That's what one of my online friend says about this blog. Cos, #1, I kinda abandoned it for a while now -- a few weeks with no new posts?

And #2, compared to my older blogs, this one is a little bit on the not-so-popular side. Not trying to brag or anything (whattafark? You are bragging!!!) I am actually extremely well-versed in blogwhoring and selling my blog and using my online networks of friends to promote my blog.

Now, the question is, in relation to cause #2, why do I seemed to be refusing to promote my blog to my friends? Well, for one thing, I want to express myself. Truly express myself. Truly say what I feel. Of course, in my older blogs, I do this as well, but for the most part, I seemed to be reciprocating others. What I mean is that, instead of writing about what's going on my life, what's my view on things, I tend to echo others.

Case in point, I used to have this tag in my older blogs, "spin-off [blogger friend name]". What happens in the entries with those tags would be me responding towards another friends' entry, That's what I mean when I say I tend to echo others. I no longer want to do that.

Okay, so I shouldn't really be blaming others about this. I shouldn't be pointing fingers and say that it's their fault my blogs have all become somewhat like that. I should have stronger resolve myself. I should be my own person. But the thing is, I am. It's just that, most of the time, I have to be this polite freak who returns the favor. You come visit my blog, you comment, then you start an entry in your blog responding to my entry -- ay! The circle is mercilessly endless!

So that's what's with the brand new start.

Agaknyalah.

Konon.

*sigh*

Be Ye Not So Stupid

Although my archive might mislead you, I am not new to blogging. I am seasoned enough to know that if I want to start a "hate" blog, I should stay anonymous. No easy feat, I tell ya. It's hard for me not to divulge information that is relevant to my stories cos they may reveal who I am. It is also hard for me not to link my stuff to, oh, I dunno, every other virtual playground I hang around in.

My "hate" blog may contain rants and raves about work, and I can get into deep shite if I am to reveal myself. Can you imagine, on my bad days, calling my boss dickhead and then getting fired for it? Hey, look, I love her*, and she may be my idol when it comes to blogging, but I refuse to be dooced. Hell noooo. I love my job too much, and I refuse to be punished just because I get irritable and annoyed and sensitive once in a while.

My hate blog may also contain information about family member(s) who just can't help but to piss me off from time to time. I love them (with the exception of one), but I just want to strangle them from time to time, ya know? I ain't no saint. So, unsurprisingly, I wholly agree when Susan Shapiro, a Manhattan journalism professor who wrote for New York Times, Washington Post etc, said “Some names and identifying characteristics of people portrayed in this book have been obscured so they won’t divorce, disown, hate, kill or sue me.” (I found that quote here).

So, to those of you who have to know who I really am, I'm sorry, this blog is not for you. At least for the time being. Happy reading anyways!

*No, she is not my boss.