Pondans

Have I ever mentioned that hubs used to work with a bunch of pondans? Not literally, mak bukan nak sentapkan hati uols, noks, tapi pondan yang iols maksudkan di sini bukan secara harfiah, tapi secara indirect, noks. Pondan di sini ialah jantans-jantans yang berperangai tak de telur, boleh gitu? Kelas kau, Maria!

Hubs kerja biasa-biasa sahaja. MNC. Big company. Kalau aku mention, mesti perkara PERTAMA yang korang fikir, kerja situ dapat DISKAUN tak?

Okay, back to my story, the pondans hubs worked with. Once, hubs bought food for him to eat, just some curry puffs, 6 curry puffs to be exact (that's a clue for the astute as to where hubs is working, btw), and he left the 6 curry puffs in a locker. The locker is in public view and its used by all the staff in his unit. Hubs went off and did some work. A while later, he came back to take a break and eat the curry puffs he bought earlier. Her searched for the pack of curry puffs he bought. TAK ADA. Na-da. Yillek. 

Now, apart from working with pondans, he's also working with some guys who are always hungry. Hubs tak de lah kedekut, in fact selalu je dia belanja budak-budak dia makan or kasi pinjam duit, so he kinda expected budak-budak tu makan barang sebijik dua, tapi kalau dah habuk pun tarak, apacer plak kan? Hubs asked who ate the curry puffs. Actually, I don't think he was going to grab the guy who ate the curry puffs by the collar and go, "Engkau luek balik karipap yang kau makan tadi sekarang jugak!" Nor did hubs expect the one yang makan to ganti balik. He was pissed off. There were 6 curry puffs, kot iye pun kau lapar, takkan kau sebat enam-enam bijik? Buruk perut betul. Tinggalkanlah tuan karipap kot iye pun...

When he asked around, none of the guys mengaku. Although hubs knew, a few of the guys, kalau diorang makan, diorang akan own up. Diorang akan cakap, "Abang T, saya makan tadi karipap tu satu tau." Okay kan? Laki aku pun tak de lah nak jadi naga ke singa ke. Kau lapar, kau makan satu, settle cerita, bai. Ini kau lapar, kau makan ENAM bijik karipap yang kau tak tahu pun siapa punya, apa cerita bai? Hubs tak puas hati, was in one of his moods, so he asked around again, one by one, each of the budak in his unit in that particular shift, siapa makan. Once more, nobody owned up.

And then, my logical, methodical, scientific and rational hubs lost it. He said something along the lines of, "Sapa-sapa yang makan tadi, pastu tak mengaku, aku doakan, lepas ni, kau eksiden tiap-tiap bulan. Hmmmmppppffffttttt!" Dan hubs berlalu pergi, makan nasik ke, ngamuk kat tempat lain pulak ke, entahlah, aku tak berapa pasti.

A few days after that, manager unit hubs datang jumpa dia. Si manager ni cakap dengan hubs,"Eh, I heard you sumpah orang the other day, pasal dia tak mengaku makan karipap you. Eh, bro, tak elok lah itu macam. Sumpah-sumpah orang accident and all..." Laki aku tengok bos dia macam bos dia ada shot wayar barang sehelai dua. "I bukan nak suruh diorang pulangkan apa yang diorang makan. I bukan nak suruh diorang ganti apa yang diorang makan. Yang I nak, diorang mengaku. Kalau makan, cakap aje lah makan. Ini tak ada SORANG pun ngaku dia makan. And apa kena-mengena dengan you pun kalau I sumpah macam tu? Kalau tak betul, then they have nothing to worry about," lebih kurang gitulah hubs cakap, ni aku paraphrase dan tambah garam gula secukup rasa. 

Keesokan harinya, dan beberapa kali untuk bulan-bulan yang mendatang, ada sorang hamba Allah unit laki aku asyik-asyik MC. Eksiden motor katanya. Tulah (daulat) laki aku? Oh bukan, yang asyik MC tu memang kaki kencing, sebab tu kaki dia busuk. MC lah, EL lah, leave lah. Adik masuk hospital lah. Motor rosak lah. Eksiden motor lah. Hujan, jadi tak boleh nak keluar rumah lah. Eh, macam-macam lah alasan suka hati tok nenek dia. Lepas tu, ada yang sibuk nak kaitkan statement laki aku ngan keadaan mamat ni. 

Kau tak rasa itu perangai pondan ke? Iols nak mintak maap sangat-sangat kat uols kalau uols rasa, uols lebih currlasst daripada mamat ni, dan sebenarnya iols pun rasa perangai pondans-pondans sekalian memang jauh lebih mulia daripada mamat ni. Tapi bagi jantan-jantan yang mengaku mereka lelaki; yang ada hati ugut laki aku, dia nak bawak turun budak-budak (budak-budak? hak ptuih kau punya budak-budak! kau nak tengok aku punya budak-budak?) nak pukul laki aku; yang gigi bersepah, kulit kelabu asap pastu perasan hot stuff, buat perangai macam ni, memang pada aku pondan. Bacul. Longkang. Salur taik! Kalau ada depan muka aku, dah lama aku tunjal-tunjal dan jotos-jotos dahi dia. 

Ok dah, aku rasa cukuplah aku meluah rasa seadanya hari ini. Simpan untuk esok-esok pula.